


TOPKAT

by hornyHeroes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 2012 Fandom Culture Social Commentary, Alien Biology, Aliens, Appropriation of 16th Century Moping, Black Romance, Canon Compliant, Canon Divergent, Cock and Ball Torture, Consensual Possession, Copious Amounts of Jizz, Depression, Dick in a Box, Eating, Enemies to Lovers, Fatal Penetration, Food, Friends to Lovers, Furry, Fusion, Illustrated, Inception - Freeform, Infidelity, Interspecies Relationship(s), Jane Crocker - Freeform, Light BDSM, Lil Cal - Freeform, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Manipulation, Mind Control, Nipples, Panquadrant Romance, Pornography Tropes, Rough Sex, Satire, Selfcest, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Guilting, Sexual Activism, Soliloquies, Terrible Underwear, That One Spongebob Meme With The Brain and The Burning Files, The Homestuck Epilogues, The Matrix - Freeform, Toxic Masculinity, Unhealthy Relationships, Xenophilia, bimbofication, davekat - Freeform, dubcon, elitism, gamzee makara - Freeform, idiots to lovers, implied kinks, political activism, puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-13 18:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21498205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hornyHeroes/pseuds/hornyHeroes
Summary: Run.TWITTER @hornyheroesTRAILER https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BunMJE1grPk
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 39
Kudos: 442





	1. PRELEWD

  
  
  
  
KARKAT: !!! IT SURE IS A RELIEF THAT YOU’RE SO TALL, DAVE. YOU HAVE ACCESS TO ALL OF THOSE *HARD TO REACH PLACES*. THE ONES I JUST ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GET TO MYSELF.  
DAVE: wait are you implying that you want to fist yourself blow yourself or fuck your own ass  
  
  
  
KARKAT: THAT’S REALLY UP TO YOU (;;;B  
  
  
  
  
DAVE: blowing yourself conjures the funniest image i think   
DAVE: heres your soup  
  
  
  
  
KARKAT: UH.   
KARKAT: SO DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX OR…?  
  
  
  
DAVE: no  
  
  
  
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.  
  
KARKAT: “NO.”  
KARKAT: THAT’S COOL.  
KARKAT: SORRY. I DIDN’T MEAN TO SOUND DISAPPOINTED. HOW FUCKING CREEPY WOULD THAT BE?  
KARKAT: RAISE THE RED FLAGS IN MOURNING OF OUR INCELIBATE MONARCH. HE JUST COULDN’T COPE WITH THE DREADED “N WORD.”  
KARKAT: ...JUST JOKING. UM...  
KARKAT: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?  
KARKAT: FUCK. NO, WAIT. I’M NOT SOME SORT OF SWOLLEN EYED BARKBEAST SQUOZE (squoze) FRESH FROM THE “WOMB”! THIS IS GUILTING, ISN’T IT? I’M SEX-GUILTING YOU. OH MY GOD. I’M SO SORRY. I FORGOT THAT PEOPLE COULD SOMETIMES JUST NOT WANT TO GRIND GEARS EVERY WAKING MOMENT.  
KARKAT: NOW WOULD PROBABLY BE A GOOD TIME TO CALL ROSE AND FINALLY GET CONFIRMATION ON THAT SEX ADDICT DIAGNOSIS, HUH. EXCEPT THIS TIME IT'S NOT FOR YOU. HA...HAAA.  
KARKAT: I’M GUESS I’M JUST A LITTLE SELF CONSCIOUS.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST IN THE PAST YOU EASED ME INTO RESEXTION WITH PHRASING MORE LUBRICANT THAN A DRY “NO”.   
KARKAT: ...FUCK. THAT METAPHOR WAS BLATANTLY HORNY. I’M SORRY??????  
  
  
  
  
KARKAT: WONDER IF I’LL EVER BE ABLE TO EAT SOUP AGAIN WITHOUT EXPERIENCING PTSD.  
DAVE: was actually thinkin about cookin soup for dinner tonight  
KARKAT: COOL! I LOVE SOUP. YOU’RE A REALLY GOOD COOK, DAVE. I APPRECIATE THAT ABOUT YOU. I APPRECIATE *A LOT* OF THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT *AREN’T* YOUR HUMAN PACKAGE.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
  
  
  
KARKAT: ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME?  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: i guess im doing neither of us a favor by being cagey about this  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT, DAVE?  
DAVE: karkat weve been goin steady for around a year now  
DAVE: im pretending i cant recite the time weve been together down to the nanosecond because this is as much about your failure to remember our 4.20e+69th nanoversary as it is about my legendary, like literally written about in ancient earth c legends, timekeeping skills  
DAVE: which is to say its about none of that shit  
DAVE: its about us  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: given your resting sex face   
  
  
  
DAVE: its not that my craving for krabcakes has waned in the slightest  
  
  
  
DAVE: but things have gotten kinda  
DAVE: stagnant  
KARKAT: STAGNANT…  
DAVE: in the bedroom  
KARKAT: YEAH, I. I FIGURED THAT’S WHAT YOU MEANT?  
  
  
  
DAVE: you feel the same way  
KARKAT: NOT REALLY. I’M STILL PRETTY SATISFIED WITH EVERYTHING WE DO.  
DAVE: thats the problem  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T WANT ME TO BE SATISFIED?  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T?  
DAVE: no!  
KARKAT: WHY NOT???  
DAVE: goddamn fucking double negatives   
DAVE: duh i want you to be satisfied but like ok i guess the problem is maybe im a little too philanthropic in matters of the cock   
DAVE: even in this conversation its like i just dropped down from the crisis supply helicopter in war torn bumfuck karkansas   
DAVE: and im handin out hells of nonperishables we talkin crackers and jerky and not to mention the absolute unit of unshitty water im practically giving away for free oh wait thats literally what im doing  
DAVE: but the thing is  
DAVE: i havent even eaten breakfast yet  
DAVE: all of those plane safety booklets that encourage you love yourself before anyone else would be so disappointed in me   
DAVE: but thats what its like being the man who cant stand to see you get your feelings hurt  
KARKAT: WOW. DON’T WORRY. I’VE ALREADY BATTERED *THOSE* TO INTO SUCH AN UNRECOGNIZABLE PULP THAT YOU'D NEVER BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY THEM AS FEELINGS TO BEGIN WITH.  
DAVE: stop feeling so sorry for yourself  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: B:(  
  
  
  
DAVE: karkat im just sick of topping  
DAVE: its not fun or even novel anymore its literally the same thing every time   
DAVE: like at least you get to sit back and imagine a meet n fuck scenario that by some glitch in the matrix hasnt been published to newgrounds yet   
DAVE: above all i cant keep being something im not  
DAVE: not relentlessly anyways i mean maybe we can work out some kind of schedule through diplomatic means   
DAVE: perhaps involve a summit where we wear pressed suits and steamed ties like wed be getting shit done and looking cute while doing it   
DAVE: i can even rec you some light reading material ive prepped on the matter idk what do you think  
KARKAT: HUH.  
KARKAT: HUH.  
KARKAT: HUH.  
  
  
  
KARKAT: IS THIS ABOUT YOUR “BOTTOM RIGHTS” AGAIN?  
DAVE: yes and id appreciate it if you--  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
THINGS WOULD CONTINUE LIKE THIS. ANOTHER EXCRUCIATING SEX IMPASSE REACHED BY POP CULTURE’S MOST AGGRAVATING LOSERS IN LOVE.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
KARKAT: UH, DAVE???  
  
  
  
KARKAT: ...CALL THE PLUMBER.  
DAVE: B/  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
DAVE: do you consent to the final draft of the agreement mr strider-vantas?  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: YEAH. YES I DO. OKAY? FUCKER? YES. GIVE ME THE PEN.   
  
  
  
KARKAT: THIS IS GOING TO BE SO EMBARRASSING!!! I’M NOT AS COOL OR SMOOTH AS YOU ARE AT ALL! AND MY AIM IS TOTAL SHIT. FUCK.  
DAVE: nuh uh youll make a super sexy top i know this because it comes to me often in my prophetic jerkit visions   
KARKAT: GROSS.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CREDITS  
Written by @muthahomestucka  
Illustrated by @v_sh4rp  
Edited by @v_sh4rp


	2. ACT 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat tops Dave and together they live happily ever after.

SEVERAL LONG, FUCKLESS NIGHTS HAVE PASSED IN THE DAVEKAT HOUSEHOLD. SOME SEXOLOGISTS HAVE EVEN GONE ON RECORD CLAIMING THIS TO BE THE GREATEST SEX FAMINE TO HAVE EVER BEFALLEN EARTH C IN ITS FIVE THOUSAND YEARS OF CIVILISATION. THANKFULLY, THE FIRST SEX CONFERENCE, HELD SOME HOURS AGO AT CROCKERCORP, FINALLY SAW VICTORY OVER THE COITUS STALEMATE THAT THREATENED THESE LOVERS APART.   


UNBEKNOWNST TO THESE HORNY PARAMOURS, THEIR JOINT CUSTODY OVER TOPPING RIGHTS WOULD HERALD IN IRREVERSIBLE CHANGE THAT NO AMOUNT OF ETERNITY COULD EVER MEND.   


  


  


  


  


KARKAT: WHAAA…  


  


KARKAT: H-HUH??  


  


KARKAT: HOW... DID WE EVEN END UP HERE????   
DAVE: isnt that the nature of impromptu sex  
DAVE: going with the flow and seeing where the night takes you  
DAVE: leaving the regrets to deal with in the morning alongside your dopamine crash and possible hangover  
DAVE: not that im particularly regretting any of this lets be honest here  


KARKAT: GREAT! GOOD FOR YOU!!!   
KARKAT: AT LEAST ONE OF US IS ABLE TO FIND SOLACE IN THE DUBIOUSLY CONSENSUAL NATURE OF THIS PREDICAMENT!!!!!  
KARKAT: WHY, IF THE ROLES WERE SWITCHED, I BET YOU’D BE JUST AS HAPPY WITH THIS AS I AM!!  
KARKAT: HOW DID I GET MY BULGE IN YOUR ASS? WHAT OBSCENE FORCES OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT EVEN PROMPTED ME TO DO THIS? WHO CARES, RIGHT??? AWAY WITH THEE, O FIENDISH WILES OF COMMON SENSE!  
KARKAT: APPREHENSION WILL NOT MAKE A SPINELESS FOOL OF ME, BUT MY BOYFRIEND SURE HAS!!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: ...SORRY. ARE WE REALLY THIS PATHETIC? HAVE WE TRULY DEVOLVED INTO A PAIR OF CLASSLESS DEGENERATES WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO JUST LOSE OURSELVES AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY TO FUCK?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  


KARKAT: YEAH...  


KARKAT: YET AGAIN, THE AUDIENCE REMAINS UNSURPRISINGLY UNSURPRISED. THE MEMBERS THAT DIDN’T SUCCESSFULLY MANAGE TO ESCAPE OR COMMIT SUICIDE, ANYWAYS. BECAUSE WHAT KIND OF FLAGELLANT WOULD WILLINGLY PERV ON OUR PERSONAL HINDENBURG-TITANIC LOVECHILD OF A SEX LIFE?  


KARKAT: AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT, EVEN IF WE WERE BOTH RIDING SKY HIGH ON THE FUMES OF SEXUAL FRUSTRATION I *KNOW* MY FIRST INSTINCT WOULD’VE BEEN TO GET YOU ON TOP. MORESO, EVEN!  
KARKAT: BUT ALAS, THE CARDS HAVE BEEN DEALT IN YOUR FAVOR IT SEEMS!   


KARKAT: HERE YOU ARE, SITTING ON YOUR PHALLUS THRONE, GLOATING LIKE SOME GLUTTONOUS SYCOPHANT!!  


DAVE: oh come ON  
DAVE: you cant back out of my garage now especially not while were on the precipice of crawling out of our self made virgin hell  
DAVE: *youre* the bonerhead who went stupid went horny and stuck his crooked gray erection up my asshole in the first place  
DAVE: remember i suggested we take it slow you put it in my dumb slut mouth first but no you were beyond the point of reasoning   
DAVE: the look in your eyes when you teleported behind me was one of a man possessed by the blue ball demon  
DAVE: but hey we could always go back to passive aggressive sex strikes they were actually getting kinda fun  
DAVE: and you know   
DAVE: not whatever this is  


  
  


DAVE: man you are such a hypocrite  
DAVE: you call me gluttonous and yet we have to suffer through an entire incel montage just so you can FINALLY sign away your sole custody over dk (soon to be kd if god has mercy) bottom rights  
DAVE: and seeing as though ive been the one doing all of the topping in the past year of our relationship  


DAVE: i think its fair to say that youve got some catching up to do

KARKAT: FUCK. SORRY, I JUST- I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS... LITERALLY SPEAKING.  
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER...  
KARKAT: ... THIS ISN’T... I MEAN HOW COULD I?  
KARKAT: DAVE, I DON’T THINK I’M READY.  
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER TOPPED BEFORE.  


  


DAVE: actually   
DAVE: this is perfect  
KARKAT: DAVE, IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE IS THIS *JOKE* OF A TROLL-HUMAN CENTIPEDE EVEN ***REMOTELY*** SYNONYMOUS WITH PERFECTION?  
KARKAT: DON’T MOCK MY INCOMPETENCE, YOU JACKASS.   
DAVE: no just  
DAVE: dude pull out for a second and check out this short tutorial  


  
  
  
  


DAVE: time players are under strict obligation to prevent perfect and imperfect paradoxes  
DAVE: but at the same time theyre always fated to have some existential flaw that gives way to the progenation of paradoxes   
DAVE: cause spoiler: thats what propagates paradox space in the first place  
DAVE: which as you know is a paradox in of itself but lets not get too carried away  
DAVE: point is that in some dirk tier wikiphilosophical way my existence is intrinsically connected to the existence of everything  
DAVE: but that comes at a price   
DAVE: my hamartia is essentially being too fucking nice  
DAVE: a detrimental kind of nicety that i feel might have screwed me over in other iterations of our universe  
DAVE: and while i may be one of the only daves out there who got a pretty good deal i remain a bottom in love with another bottom  
DAVE: which is a paradox  
DAVE: shut up it totally is  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW??? I’M JUST STANDING HERE.  
DAVE: baby listen i am willing to go so far as to live a hollow existence as your top slave if thats what keeps us together  
DAVE: (not that im implying anything illegal here fyi @ janes illegal wiretap)  
DAVE: but...  
DAVE: that isnt the life i want to have with you  
DAVE: i love you but i also want to be happy *with* you  
DAVE: so a thought came to me way back when i was thinkin of ways i could finally score us that hollywood happily ever after  
DAVE: i thought that maybe i could change you  
DAVE: give you some guidance on how to make yourself a better person  
KARKAT: OH?????????????  
KARKAT: WELL SHIT, HONK MY CODPIECE AND CALL ME GAMZEE! THANK GOD DAVE STRIDER, WOKEBOY EXTRAORDINAIRE, HAS UPTAKEN THE NOBLE DUTY OF SOWING THE SEEDS OF MY REDEMPTION ARC.  
KARKAT: I’M JOKING. DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME GAMZEE.  
KARKAT: WAIT, HAS GAMZEE ALWAYS BEEN HERE??? I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS HE’S SPAWNED FROM A GLITCH IN THE “IN WHICH TROLL KEANU REEVES LIVES A DOUBLE LIFE AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER AND SEEKS OUT THE ANSWERS TO HIS EXISTENTIAL QUANDARY-”  
DAVE: babe please just say matrix  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ok youre just going to keep going huh?  
DAVE: now i know youre being petty i thought we were finished with this gag troll movie titles arent even that long anym  
DAVE: oh my god are you kidding me  
DAVE: dont give me a sparknotes rendition of the second movie too  
DAVE: it really doesnt deserve it lets be honest  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: how am i still hard   
DAVE: seriously its straight up (lol) four inches of pure attentive love for my boyfriend who my god have you even taken a breath yet  
KARKAT: *WHEEZE*  
KARKAT: YOU- *COUGH* ARGHHHHH!  
KARKAT: LAUGHABLE!!! *COUGHCOUGH* YOU. TRYING *COUGH* TO MAKE *SNRKKK* **ME** BETTER  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING WIPE.   
DAVE: shh honey not in front of the kids  
  


DAVE: (footnote i only use one sheet when i wipe to accommodate karkats stupid excessive toiletpaper habits)  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME.  
DAVE: (when i end up fingering my own shitty asshole its not at the fault of the flimsy one dollar stuff oh no)  
DAVE: (its at the fault of)  
  


  
  


KARKAT: DON'T YOU REDIRECT THE BLAME MY WAY WITH THAT SHITTY ASSHOLE FINGER OF YOURS! I HAVE *STANDARDS*. YOU BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT YOUR SO-CALLED “BOTTOM RIGHTS” BUT YOU FOLLOW *NONE* OF THE APPROVED ETIQUETTE OF BOTTOMING.   
KARKAT: CONSIDER BEING FUCKING *CONSIDERATE* TOWARD THE ACTUAL. LIVING. BEING. WHOSE FRIENDLY THUMBTACK IS DROPPING BY TO SAY HEY-FUCKING-O!!!   
DAVE: i  
  


DAVE: have you ever chafed your dick before  
DAVE: do you even know how bad that stings  
DAVE: do you even know for how LONG you have to ice it  
DAVE: i dont wanna hear jack shit from you about bottom etiquette!   
KARKAT: ??? WHY WOULD I--HEY, HERE'S A LITTLE TIP FOR YOUR LITTLE TIP. MAYBE DON'T RUB IT AGAINST SANDPAPER WHEN I'M NOT HOME, FREAK.  
DAVE: sandpaper feels like a slip n slide doused in lube compared to your   
DAVE: dry  
DAVE: ashy  
DAVE: overwiped  
DAVE: ASSHOLE  
KARKAT: *YOU*.............................  
  


  


DAVE: wait lol we arent fighting right now   
DAVE: where was i  
KARKAT: AHSKJ;NSKJDSFHKJ;!!!!!!!!!!!???  


DAVE: i wrote this up for you for the day you finally decided to top me  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?  
DAVE: its a comprehensive guide to topping duh  
DAVE: my magnum opus thats taken years to write  
DAVE: without a doubt itll become a staple of the literary canon that will define me beyond my lifetime   
DAVE: thank god ill still be alive by then to witness it   
DAVE: and while people may hate me for what i have to say  
DAVE: much like the anarchists cookbook my work will have undeniably been a critical piece of literature in some awesome fuckin movement  
DAVE: shitll make the anals of history  
DAVE: amass a cult following and raise a legion of sex-confused fans  
DAVE: people will make quizzes to assign themselves top verse or bottom and then theyll fight each other over the internet and marginalise extremely specific sub-subcultures and then youll get these fucking top apologists coming out and no one likes a top apologist  
DAVE: but thatll be the new world we create in this new world weve already created  
DAVE: well be making a lot of virgins happy  
DAVE: and potentially starting a sex war  


KARKAT: UGH…   
KARKAT: THIS IS HUMILIATING.  
DAVE: its ok babe weve all been there  
DAVE: it isnt easy becoming a top but everythings in there all fitted to the easiest to grasp learning experience  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: loosen up ok  
DAVE: try not to get too neurotic   
DAVE: just go with the flow bro  
KARKAT: ...ALRIGHT. OKAY.  
KARKAT: JUST, GOING WITH THE FLOW, BRO.   


  


DAVE: also dont forget to keep fucking me since my ass already has your dick in custody  
DAVE: this dicklinquent is firmly bound between the flattest buns this side of paradise planet (butlers gone global) and awaits interrogation by the sex police  
DAVE: no sir im afraid theres no chance of bail sir  
DAVE: its ten years of pure ass on dick chafing from here on out  
KARKAT: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD YOU STOP ANTHROPOMORPHISING MY DICK? I’D SOONER LET IT BECOME A VICTIM OF THE SIGNATURE BRAND OF AMATEURISH TAXIDERMY BELONGING TO THE FABLED “FURRIES”. PLEASE AND FUCKING THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: ON THAT NOTE, THE SEX TALK BAN HASN’T BEEN, AND NEVER WILL BE, LIFTED.   


  


KARKAT: THIS COULD HAVE STARTED OUT A LOT BETTER BUT THAT’S FINE!!! REALLY! WE’RE HERE AND WE’RE MAKING THIS HAPPEN.  
KARKAT: JUST GONNA… READ THIS BOOK, I GUESS? YEAH.   
KARKAT: UH…   


  


> "the thing you have to realize about “being” a top is that its like not a thing i mean this realization takes years worth of meditation and self reflection to achieve but knowing us we probably skipped right the fuck over the tactfully dissecting our internalized ideas about gender roles part and started fucking immediately lol we suck  
dont worry i got your back and in a more literal sense you got mine just remember that all youre doing is beating your meat betwixt maidenly cheeks like we both know how much you masturbate (i still think you should compete in a tournament for that baby i really do think youd at least bring home the bronze) so all you gotta do is import a mindset youre already used to and tweak it a little bit  
pretend my butt is your hand  
or your hand is my butt idk whatever works for you haha can you imagine pretending your hand is my butt while jacking off thats so classic i bet you do that  
see you already have some practice now put it into play"

  


KARKAT: SO THAT WAS A FUCKING MISTAKE.  
KARKAT: ...DOES HE EVEN LIKE IT? HE ISN’T MAKING ANY NOISES.  


KARKAT: HE PROBABLY HATES IT  
KARKAT: NO, HE DEFINITELY HATES IT. HE PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH HE HATES IT. POOR GUY WOULDN’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOOD ASS-TEARING AND A PATHETIC DICKING DOWN!  
KARKAT: DAVE SHOULD HATE ME FOR WHAT I DID TO HIM. I KNOW I WOULD!  
KARKAT: WHAT IS HE EVEN THINKING? HE’S JUST GOING TO WASTE HIS IMMORTAL DAYS AWAY IN PERPETUAL DISSATISFACTION UNTIL HIS HALFWIT BRAIN SUMMONS ENOUGH SENSE TO DUMP ME!!!  
KARKAT: OH GOD   
KARKAT: OH NO OH NO OH GOD OH NO  
KARKAT: WHAT IF HE SHITS ON MY DICK?!  
KARKAT: HE PROBABLY HASN’T SHOWERED!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING  
KARKAT: HE DOESN’T. EVEN. WIPE!!!!!!  


KARKAT: EVERYTHING FEELS TOO HEAVY. I CAN BARELY KEEP THIS BOOK UP.  
KARKAT: IT COULD KILL A FUCKING MEOWBEAST IF I DROPPED IT.  
DAVE: dont worry dawg ive got us a contingency plan  
DAVE: turn to page 69  


> “if you are currently reading this while simultaneously in a frenzy to top me, take ten deep breaths. inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. calm down. everythings going to be okay. center yourself. lay the book on my back, you know you dont actually have to hold it up baby.”

  
  
  
  


DAVE'S BACK: *CRACK*  
DAVE: nice! thats step one out of the way  
KARKAT: STEP ONE WAS ON PAGE 69????????????????????  
DAVE: dedicated to the love of my life <3  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: OKAY, I CAN DO THIS.  
DAVE: fuck yeah you can  
KARKAT: FUCK. NO I CAN’T.  


EXEUNT KARKAT AND KARKAT’S SANITY.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CREDITS  
Written by @v_sh4rp  
Illustrated by @muthahomestucka  
Edited by @muthahomestucka


	3. ACT 2 ACT 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's right. We're doing the nested acts thing. Let that sink in.

INT. KARKAT'S MINDSCAPE 

  


TOPKAT: HELLO FUCKASS.  
TOPKAT: LOOK WHO’S FINALLY FUCKING DECIDED TO FACE HIS REPRESSED FUCKING FUCKING FANTASIES.  


TOPKAT: YOU THINK YOU COULD’VE DECIDED TO FUCKING UNPACK THIS SHIT *ANY *FUCKING* LATER* THAN TEN MINUTES INTO PENETRATION??? YOU NOOK-CHAFTING IDIOT, BY THE TIME WE FINISH OUR LITTLE FUCKING SOLILOQUY, DAVE WILL HAVE ALREADY FUCKING FINISHED *HIMSELF* OFF AND MOVED IN WITH SOMEONE ELSE BY VIRTUE OF PURE FUCKING BOREDOM WITH OUR ATTENTION WHORING ANTICS.  


KARKAT: UNGNGNGGG... MY ONLY REGRET IN LOCKING YOU DOWN HERE WITH THE REST OF MY ADOLESCENT INSECURITY IS THAT YOU STILL TALK LIKE YOU’RE FU-- LIKE YOU’RE SIX. AND AS LONG AS YOU’RE DOING THAT, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS?  


TOPKAT: HA! DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ABANDONED PROTOTYPE OF YOUR EMERGING PUBESCENT SEXUALITY? BITCH, I’M SOOO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU *IN EVERY FUCKING WAY!*  


TOPKAT: NOT ONLY AM I FUCKING EMO, PHYSICALLY FUCKING IMPOSING, AND KINKY AS ALL FUCK. I CHANNEL MY ANGST INTO CEASELESS FUCKING AGGRESSION LIKE A *REAL* TOP.  
TOPKAT: NOT TO MENTION MY CONKS ARE HUUUGE.  
TOPKAT: YOU COULD NEVER FUCKING COME UP WITH ME *YOURSELF*, YOU GRUBFUCKING SHIT-FOR-BRAINS.  


KARKAT: WHAT? THEN HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?  


TOPKAT: HEY! WE BOTH KNOW BETTER THAN TO INVESTIGATE VERY FUCKING CLANDESTINE INFORMATION. THAT SHIT’S A ONE WAY FUCKING STREET TO UNWANTED LIABILITY TOWN. YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING *PERFORM* AND YOU’RE FUCKING SEEKING OUT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE SECRETS OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE? FUCKASS, PLEASE.  
TOPKAT: LET ME TAKE OVER BEFORE YOU PASS THE POINT OF NO FUCKING RETURN. BAD END: KARKAT’S LIMP BULGE FUCKS HIS RELATIONSHIP DIRECTLY INTO FUCKING OBLIVION!  


KARKAT: OH. OKAY. I’M HANDING THE REINS OF MY CONSCIOUSNESS OVER TO SOME DEMENTED CONSTRUCT OF MY INSECURE MIND, WHICH, APPARENTLY, IS BEING AUTHORED BY A FORCE I HAVE NO WAY OF IDENTIFYING?  


TOPKAT: STOP!!! YOU CAN’T FUCKING LEAVE ME IN 2013 TO WITHER AND ROT!!!!!!!!!!  
TOPKAT: KARKAT! LOOK AT DAVE.  


TOPKAT: DOES THAT LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF A MAN BEING SUFFICIENTLY FUCKING PLEASURED?  
KARKAT: …………HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S GOING TO SNEEZE.  
TOPKAT: AND HE *SOUNDS* LIKE A FUCKING MALFUNCTIONING CHAINSAW. HE IS *PHYSICALLY. FUCKING. ALLERGIC.* TO YOUR SEXUAL INCAPACITY. OR MAYBE HE’S JUST ABOUT TO FUCKING SHIT ON YOUR DICK!  
KARKAT: OH GOD…  
KARKAT: ...IT’S NOT THAT I…  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT I WOULDN’T BE TOTALLY INTO THIS IF I...  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT DAVE’S CUTE PERKY BUTT HASN’T CAUGHT MY EYE IN BED, OR ON THE COUCH, OR IN THE SHOWER, OR IN THE KITCHEN, OR ON THE FLOOR—  
TOPKAT: GET FUCKING ON WITH IT!!!  


KARKAT: I WANNA GET ALL UP IN THERE AND RANSACK THE PLACE!!! OF COURSE I DO!!! DAVE’S A FUCKING HOTTIE!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? HOW’D I EVEN END UP WITH A GUY LIKE THAT?!?!  
KARKAT: YOU’D HAVE TO BE EITHER BRAINDEAD OR CASTRATED NOT TO SEE THAT BOY IS DROP DEAD *FUCKABLE*. I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. HE’S AN EIGHT OR A NINE. I’M SERIOUS!  
KARKAT: ON THE *MAYOR*--NO DISRESPECT--I COULD CRACK DAVE OPEN LIKE A CHILLED CAN OF TAB!!! HOLY SHIT!!! HE’S SUPPLE, DELICATE, HAS A NICE PAIR AND A TIGHT—  
TOPKAT: WATCH IT, FUCKAROO. KIDS COULD BE WATCHING.  
KARKAT: A-AM I THE ONLY GUY AROUND HERE WHO'S NOTICED HIS LIPS? OH MY GOD… EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM SCREAMS STICK YOUR SUPERSOAKER IN ME AND HOLD DOWN THE FUCKING TRIGGER, INCLUDING WHEN HE LITERALLY SAYS THAT.   


KARKAT: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHWEIOQYTOEWFYHEQIWUFHLSA;FDJSDA;LLFJCVS;LKAFHEA;WJDSA;LFJD;SALFJEWIOATFHEWOFHEW;LFDLJSFSA;DASJF;DSJGJSAG'SKF'K3OWTJ4390QYU90QTJ'KF'FKSAFK3'KF;'KFFJSKLAGHSAGJ;DHDKD[GTE[WGKASGDJSATEWIAJR3W2KOP5KJO2LQJR3OPQ2JTQ;W'KTF;GKJ;SDAGJADS;FJASKDLGJGSAGASDGJDGJDSAGJDSAGD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!H!!!!!!!!!!!  


KARKAT: SO *BELIEVE* *ME* WHEN I TELL YOU THAT IT IS *NOT* THAT I DON’T WANT TO--!  
KARKAT: UM…  
KARKAT: BUT…  
KARKAT: THAT’S.  


KARKAT: I’M NOT A LEADER.  


TOPKAT: (1) NO, YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE A BOTTOMFEEDING BOTTOM AND I FUCKING FEEL BAD FOR ANY DEAD END TEAM THAT ENDS UP UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR PUTTY FIST. AND (2), WHAT DOES FUCKING LEADERSHIP HAVE TO DO WITH ANNIHILATING A BITCH WITH YOUR HATE-PISTON? LIKE SERIOUSLY. GOD GAVE YOU *ONE* CHARACTER TRAIT AND THREW IN THE FUCKING TOWEL. WE GET IT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP DRAWING FUCKING ATTENTION TO THE TWO DIMENSIONALITY OF YOUR FORGETTABLE EXISTENCE. IT’S HONESTLY JUST FUCKING *SAD*, AND THIS IS COMING FROM THE WALKING FUCKING CLICHE.  


  


KARKAT: OKAY... (ONE)??? DON’T CALL DAVE A BITCH, BRO. WE’RE PROGRESSIVE...IF ONLY TO KEEP UP WITH THE ABSURD “WOKE” SHIT HE’S SUDDENLY COMMITTED TO. AND TWO, I MEAN (TWO), I UH DON’T REALLY KNOW WHY I SAID THAT THING ABOUT BEING A LEADER, YEAH.  
KARKAT: FUCK. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO SAY TO YOU. YOU’RE YELLING AT ME A LOT AND MAKING ME NERVOUS.  
TOPKAT: HAR HAR HAR, THEN LET ME HELP YOU OUT.  


TOPKAT: I, KARKAT VANTAS, AM THE SAME SHMUCK I ALWAYS WAS. I NEVER BECAME A GOOD LEADER, I NEVER GAINED ANY REAL CONFIDENCE, THE LIST OF SHIT I *HAVEN’T* DONE IS QUITE LITERALLY ENDLESS.  
TOPKAT: DATING DAVE IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE FEAT OF SELF HARM I’VE ACCOMPLISHED YET. IT’S NOT AT THE FAULT OF THAT HOT SLICE OF ASS, AS IF YOU CAN HOLD DELECTABLE SEX OBJECTS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMFUCKINGSELVES. I SIMPLY WASN’T READY.  
TOPKAT: THE MOMENT I FUCKING LET, I REPEAT, *LET* HIM KISS ME, I OFFICIALLY RESIGNED TO SYSTEMICALLY HIDING MY SHORTCOMINGS BEHIND A MARGINALLY LESS DISASTROUS PERSON THAN MYSELF.   
TOPKAT: I BELIEVE IN THE HE WHO BELIEVES IN ME, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: I... MEANT THAT!  
TOPKAT: BUUULLLLLLLLLLLSHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.  
TOPKAT: POOR SWEET INFERIOR KARKAT. AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHEN YOU’RE ALL BY YOURSELF (BECAUSE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED DAVE LEAVING YOU BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT SEX THING), YOU’LL BE LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT THE REALIZATION THAT OTHER PEOPLE CAN’T JUST FUCKING LOAD SELF ESTEEM ON A GIFT CARD FOR YOU. NOT THE REAL KIND. NOT THE KIND THAT LASTS.  
TOPKAT: *BUT I CAN*.  


TOPKAT: KARKAT, LISTEN. FUSE WITH ME. HOW LONG HAVE YOU PLAYED THE FUCKING HELPLESS “WIFE-U”? YOU DON’T REALIZE THIS, BUT YOU’RE BEING FUCKING USED! YOU’RE BEING VICARIOUSLY FUCKING LIVED THROUGH BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING SUBMISSIVE, CUCKY PROJECTION OF REPRESSED FUCKING DESIRE AND INTERNALIZ--GOD DAMN IT. YOU’RE THE GIRL. YOU ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING GIRL IN THE RELATIONSHIP. FUCKING FACE IT. *THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO TAKE REVENGE!*  
KARKAT: REVENGE????  
TOPKAT: UH. I MEAN, DAVE *NEEDS* YOU. HE NEEDS *US.*  


TOPKAT: JUST.  
TOPKAT: FUCKING.  
TOPKAT: SAY.  
TOPKAT: YES.

  


KARKAT: DAVE I’M PULLING OUT WE NEED TO START OVER.  
DAVE: h  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CREDITS  
Written by @muthahomestucka  
Illustrated by @muthahomestucka  
Edited by @v_sh4rp


End file.
